My Biggest Problem

So, I admit……I’m on a “St. Teresa of Avila kick” in my reading. Really, for twenty years I’ve vowed to read as many writings from people who reputedly walked with God as I can, and Teresa just happens to be the latest.

But Teresa has surprised me.

I have enjoyed her writings way more than I expected. Her honesty, her humility, her transparency. And, most of all…..her humor. She makes me laugh sometimes, and I did not expect that at all.

Currently, I’m reading her book, “The Way of Perfection” and I laughed at a passage this morning. Well….I laughed at first, but then I kept laughing just so I wouldn’t cry….because her words were so true.

In this particular chapter she was writing about detaching from “self.” There is a passage there that goes like this, “…it remains for us to become detached from our own selves, and it is a hard thing to withdraw from ourselves and oppose ourselves, because we are very close to ourselves and love ourselves very dearly.”

Same, Teresa…….same.

The simplicity and “on the nose” reasoning of this statement made me honestly chuckle. If Teresa were here today, I would tell her it made me LOL.

But underneath my chuckle was a deeper realization that she is so right…..I do love myself dearly. In fact, most of my decisions are made with me in mind.

I spend a lot of time each day pondering what my “self” wants. What do I want to eat for lunch today? What can I buy to make myself feel good for a moment? How can I make life more comfortable for me? What can other people do for me, that will make me feel valued?

I mean, I haven’t cornered the market on focusing on “self.” For those of you who are people of faith, you know that Scripture speaks quite a bit about the “self.”

James tells us in his letter that, “each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed.”

The Apostle Paul laments in Romans 7, “I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do….this I keep on doing…” and he continues for most of the chapter about his battle with himself.

Jesus knew that it was the “self” that was our biggest problem. He said that “whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves….”

It’s not just in scripture.

Ben Franklin once said, "A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle."

Even Albert Einstein promoted the opposite of self-focus when he declared, "Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile."

And yet…..we all struggle with following our “self.”

The truth is that there is a big push in counseling and psychology towards Self-esteem and indulging the self.

Disney movies (and others) proclaim that we must “follow our hearts” which is another way of saying, “do what the ‘self’ wants.”

“Saturday Night Live” used to have the skit with Al Franken sitting in front of a mirror and insisting that, “People like me” which, to me, just poked fun at the self-esteem movement of the 70’s and 80’s.

For centuries, mankind has pursued the “self” and, yet this quest never seems to satisfy but, instead, leads to greater restlessness. The people I know who doggedly live for themselves are often the least content people I know.

Because what I have seen is that following the whims of our self never satisfies us for long.

Quite the contrary.

We LOVE the new car……but a month later, it’s just a car with a big monthly payment.

We MUST have the newest gadget….but within a little while, it’s just a gadget.

We can’t wait to go to that new restaurant! But after about an hour, we’re feeling bloated and miserable, and our wallets are quite a bit lighter.

It’s not that these things are wrong, per se. It’s just that they aren’t the way to happiness.

That’s the biggest issue of “self.” It’s our expectations.

You see, the “self” promises that if we do what it wants…..if we will just give it what it is longing for, that we’ll be happy.

But let me tell you……the “self” is a fibber. I’m going to say a bad word here……the self is a…….well…….a LIAR. (gasp…..I’m so sorry I had to go there).

Happiness found by indulging our whims is an illusion.

I remember years ago reading a quote from John D. Rockefeller. He was asked, “How much money is enough?” to which he responded, “Just a little bit more.”

That is the fallacy of the self; that it always needs “just a little bit more.”

So, it’s not about hating oneself. I’m not a proponent of that either. In fact, I see a lot of shame with those I work with as a counselor. Self-hatred, self-loathing……..the belief that one is not lovable or worthwhile…..those underlying beliefs are just as dangerous as believing that the indulging of self is the secret to life.

Both of those extremes are toxic.

So what is the alternative?

If indulging the self doesn't satisfy and hating the self only wounds us further, then what are we supposed to do?

I wonder if the answer is found in forgetting about ourselves a little more often.

Not in the sense of neglecting ourselves. Not in the sense of pretending we don't matter. We do matter. Deeply.

But perhaps the most fulfilled people are not the ones who spend their lives staring into the mirror. Perhaps they are the ones who become captivated by something bigger than themselves.

A cause.

A calling.

A relationship.

Their family.

Their faith.

God.

When I look at the people I most admire, they are rarely obsessed with themselves. They aren't constantly asking whether they are happy, fulfilled, appreciated, or getting enough out of life.

They are too busy loving someone.

Too busy serving someone.

Too busy building something.

Too busy pursuing something that matters.

And strangely enough, those are often the people who seem most content.

Maybe Teresa was onto something.

Maybe our greatest problem is not that we think too little of ourselves.

Maybe our greatest problem is that we spend too much time thinking about ourselves at all.

And perhaps the path to peace is not found by endlessly asking, "What do I want?"

Perhaps it begins when we start asking a different question:

"What am I being called to give my life to?"