Hide Or Seek

Just like most American kids who go to great lengths to prevent themselves from being bored, we often played the classic game, “Hide and seek” when I was very young. It’s a great game (except when the seeker forgets you are hiding and leaves you in your hiding spot over the course of a day….but I digress).

I mean, the concept is simple…you don’t need equipment. And let’s face it…..it’s fun to hide. It’s exhilarating to think that you have found the PERFECT spot……a spot so obscure…..so brilliant, that NOBODY could ever find you there (insert maniacal laughter here).

The truth is, though, that many of us never learn to stop hiding. We hide behind humor, or a finely chiseled physique (or so they tell me). We hide behind masks of politeness or stoicism. We hide from others. We hide from ourselves and, to very honest, we often try to hide from God.

And this is a big clue that someone is struggling with shame.

Before I get into that, allow me to let you in on what I’ve discovered over the course of a lifetime…..a lifetime of my own shame…..my own hiding……and from working with people of all ages over the course of many decades. It’s something many of you already know, but let’s pretend I have the monopoly on this inside information.

First, and this is an especially important distinction so bear with me…..there is a SUBSTANTIAL difference between guilt and shame. Maybe that sounds elementary to you or maybe it sounds like I’m just splitting hairs; that I’m making something out of nothing and that they’re the same thing.

Well, not only do I believe they are different animals, but I also believe understanding the difference can be life changing.

In a nutshell……”guilt” says “I’ve done something bad.” It is about our behavior, our choices, our actions, especially involving morality. It connects to our moral compass and is essential to our lives, to being the people we want to be……or not.

Going further, I contend that “guilt is good.” It’s really good……..essential, really, which is ironic because we live in a culture that never wants to feel guilty about anything. We want to do what we want and not feel bad about it. We scold people for putting us on “guilt trips.” We lean into the idea that morality is relative; that my truth is different from yours, and so I should do what feels right to me.

And yet, here I am…..advocating for guilt.

And I want to double down on that…….guilt is incredibly good. When we do something that is morally wrong, we SHOULD feel guilty. Guilt is what leads us to remorse and to repentance…..to CHANGE. So, again, guilt says, “I’ve DONE something bad” and then it motivates us to get back on course. It pushes us to get back on the right track.

From a spiritual perspective, guilt also motivates us to “seek” the Lord. When we feel guilty, we notice the tension between who we want to be and how we’re currently acting. For those who care about their relationship with the Lord, guilt pushes us to get right with Him. When we love God we don’t like feeling guilty, not just because our behavior might lead to consequences but also because we love God and don’t want to continually disappoint Him. Guilt pushes us to admit we’re wrong and to seek a renewed intimacy with God. When we feel guilty…..that we have done wrong……..we lean into God’s grace and move TOWARDS Him in relationship.

When I was a kid and I knew I had done wrong and had really disappointed my dad…..I wanted to move towards him to restore the relationship; that sense of love and security I had when he and I were “right.” I would want to spend more time with him…..wanted to sit on his lap…….wanted his attention more.

Why?

Because guilt interfered with that relationship and I wanted it back.

But shame is different than guilt.

If guilt says, “I’ve DONE something bad” then shame says, “ I AM something bad.”

Shame doesn’t just focus on our behavior…..it hones in our sense of worth…..it targets our value.

Shame whispers things like, “you’re not really lovable” or “you’re going to get what you deserve.” It leans in and tells us, “If they only knew you, they would never love you.”

Shame is the epitome of condemnation…….including self-condemnation. Shame viciously attacks our character and weakens our resolve to believe in our value.

Ultimately, that is why shame is the catalyst for things like addiction. Because our brains don’t like to feel the way shame makes us feel. Our hearts don’t want to feel that way either. So, the brain looks for ways to protect us from how awful shame makes us feel. Instinctively, it searches for things that might make us feel a little better even for a little bit.

Enter: Alcohol……pornography…….drugs……..overeating…….AMAZON. 😊

The brain will look for anything to give us a boost.

And so…..we act out. We take the shot, we download the porn, we eat the entire pizza……we purchase all those things we don’t need.

And….voila! We feel better!! 

For about 10 minutes.

And then……..the shame deepens.

Now, we’ve drunk more than we knew we should. We have delved deep into the depravity of what porn offers. We’ve eaten so many calories we think we’ll never get them off. Or we’ve spent money that should have gone to savings on things we’ll never use, and don’t need.

In other words, in our attempts to feel better and not feel the shame……we have written ourselves a check for shame.

So…..we feel shame……..we act out to feel better……..we feel more ashamed……..and then we feel awful…..and our brain says, “what might make us feel better?” and the cycle goes on.

Few things drive addictive cycles more powerfully than shame.

And here’s the kicker…shame also makes us want to hide; from everyone and everything, especially God.

Remember….shame says, “I AM something bad.” “I am unlovable.” “Unforgiveable.” “Too far gone, even for God.”  Shame argues that God could never love us or accept us after what we’ve done……because of who we are.

And so, we hide.

We’re not the first ones. Adam and Eve, once they sinned and shame entered the picture, did what? They hid! Adam, who had regularly walked with God in the cool of the Garden, tried to hide from God’s presence.

And so do we.

This is the biggest consequential difference between guilt and shame. It’s the difference between “Hide OR Seek.”

When we feel guilty, we will seek God out. We miss Him. We want to cross the gap between us. We believe in His love for us, even though we screwed up. We trust that He values us and we want to get right back with Him.

I see this in the scriptures when I think of Peter. The Bible tells us Peter denied Jesus three times because of the pressure he was under.

Jesus had predicted this. Peter had insisted it wouldn’t happen. And then……the rooster crowed, Peter wept, and the deed was done.

But later, after Jesus had raised from the dead, Peter does something REALLY interesting. He and the other disciples had gone back to fishing; to grieve, to earn a living, to escape….who knows? But then a risen Jesus shows up on the beach, yells out to them, and invites them to breakfast. The disciples are amazed and begin to row back to shore……except Peter.

Peter, feeling GUILTY, couldn’t wait. Instead, he jumps into the water and swims to shore just so he could be close to Jesus. He had to get back in relationship with Him…..he was desperate to seek the Lord.

That’s a picture of guilt: “I’ve done something bad….and now I must get right with the Lord.”

But then I think of shame, and I think of Judas Iscariot. You know, the betrayer. One of the twelve who knew Jesus, lived with Him, traveled with Him, and betrayed Him with a kiss……for some money.

After the fact, like Peter, Judas felt awful. He wept bitterly…..he threw the blood money at the religious leaders, as if that might cleanse him from his sins. But here is where Peter and Judas take different paths.

Peter, feeling guilty, couldn’t WAIT to get back to Jesus.

Judas, feeling SHAME (I AM something bad), went out and hung himself.

As far as we know he never even tried to come back to God…..never saw it as an option. Instead, he hides from God……in a very permanent way.

This is the big differentiator between shame and guilt……it’s a question of “hide or seek.”

And I see this difference all the time in my work with men.

Whenever I work with guys, shame is almost always a piece of the puzzle; often, the most prominent piece.

Shame drives men to escape…..to numb out……to run…….to indulge…….to be defensive……to get angry…….

Suffice to say…..shame is not our friend.

But here’s the good news.

God has a long history of finding people who are hiding.

In fact, from the very beginning, when Adam and Eve hid among the trees of the Garden, God came looking for them. “Where are you?” He asked. Not because He didn’t know where they were, but because He wanted them to come out of hiding. He wanted them to stop running.

And I think He’s still asking that same question today.

Not, “What have you done?” Not, “How could you?” Not, “Why can’t you get your act together?”

Just…..“Where are you?”

The tragedy of shame is that it convinces us to hide from the very One who can heal us. It whispers that we’re too dirty, too broken, too damaged, too far gone. It tells us that if people really knew us, they would reject us. Worse still, it tries to convince us that God feels the same way.

But the Gospel tells a different story.

The Gospel tells us that God already knows everything there is to know about us and loves us anyway. It tells us that Jesus stepped into our shame, carried our sin, and made a way back to the Father. It tells us that we don’t have to keep hiding behind our accomplishments, our addictions, our anger, our humor, our perfectionism, or whatever else we use to avoid being seen.

We can come out of hiding.

And that, perhaps, is the simplest way to understand the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt may tell me that I have done something wrong, but because I know I am loved, it pushes me back toward God. Shame tells me that I AM something wrong and therefore should stay hidden.

One leads me to seek.

The other leads me to hide.

The question is not whether you have failed. We all have. The question is what you will do next. Will you keep running? Will you stay tucked away behind whatever fig leaves you have stitched together for yourself? Or will you trust that the God who came looking for Adam, who restored Peter, and who has pursued people ever since, is pursuing you too?

Because one path leads deeper into isolation.

The other leads home.