The Viper's Bite: What Criticism Reveals

My thoughts are all over the place today.

If I’m being honest, I have considered writing about several different topics for this Ashes & Ink post; fatherhood, attachment issues….I’ve even considered writing about not being sure what to write about.

In my mind, there is some distant memory of Stephen King’s book, “On Writing” and, in this imagery, King is reminding me that writers write every day and not just when they feel inspired, and in this mental exercise, he is wagging his finger at me and giving me the “tsk, tsk, tsk” noise that makes him sound more like a parent than an author of horror novels.

But in my early morning reading, I was convicted by a passage in “An Introduction to the Devout Life” by St. Francis De Sales. And as I read it, I realized that he had more awareness on the inner man than I had given him credit for.

It was a passage from the section where he is dealing with humility; what it really looks like, how to achieve it….how deceptive it can be. And the part that really grabbed me, probably because it seemed like a mirror into my own life as well as a window into the lives of many who I have worked with, was the following:

“…one of the great wiles of the enemy is to lead men to rest content with the external signs of these virtues (i.e. gentleness, humility, etc.), and, without searching their inward affections, to think that because their words and looks are gentle, therefore they themselves are humble and mild, whilst in truth they are far otherwise. This is evident when, in spite of their show of gentleness and humility, they start up in wounded pride at the slightest insult or vexatious word. It is said that those who take the medicine called St. Paul’s cure, will not, if it be pure, suffer from swelling with the viper’s bite; and so, if our humility and gentleness are genuine, they will preserve us from the swelling and inflammation which insult is wont to provoke in our hearts. If then, when we are bitten and stung by our enemies and slanderers, we become proud, swollen, and indignant, it is a sure sign that our humility and meekness are false and artificial, not hearty and genuine.”

Whew…..I know….I know…..that was a long quote. And, yes, it is written in the style of a priest from the 16th century, but I was amazed at how it could speak directly to us today. At least, it certainly spoke to me. I was pricked a little by how close to home it hit.

See, I would like to think that over the years I have grown in humility. I don’t talk about that much because, well….that wouldn’t be very humble.

Truly, though, speaking as a man who at one point of his life was about as self-focused and cocky as one can be….I have tried to surrender to the humbling lessons that God has led me through; discipline, loss of reputation, rejection, the realization of my own shortcomings…..and the constant reminder that God is God and I am not. I realize that I have not reached the pinnacle of humble perfection. I know that I still struggle with self-centeredness at times. There remains some subtle temptation to feel superior in some way. I continue to battle the desire to seek out praise and affirmation. I am not the man I was…..nor am I the man I know God wants me to be.

But I’m on the journey and genuinely trying.

But De Sales touched a nerve for me here. He offers a litmus test that rocked me a bit…..because I confess that I do not handle insults or criticism very well, especially if I know they are not delivered out of love, or if I believe they are unjust. No, if THAT viper bites, I still swell up like a beach ball…..and De Sales would say that is a chink in my “humility armor.”

And I think he’s right.

What is it about me that puffs up defensively in the face of criticism?

Why do I bristle so much if someone brings one of my faults to light?

I mean, I know I’m not perfect. I know I have faults. I’m aware that there are places that need correction; that continue to need maturity and growth. I pray about those every day. I am constantly in the process of laying those at God’s feet and asking Him to change them.

But if someone else points them out? Ugh…….I’m almost immediately triggered. I can feel the heat rising in my head, and the tingling on the back of my neck. I feel hurt, stung, angry…..and……..most of all……………exposed. It feels like playing football with an injury I’m trying to hide…..only to have my opponents target that very injury and hammer it repeatedly.

Now that I’m writing through this I know that “exposed” is a good word for it, but a better word is that I feel “shamed” and that is not a good feeling. In fact, when someone draws attention to my areas that still need work, I want to lash out, run, hide, and crawl into a hole all at the same time. The very things I thought I had disguised are now being revealed and I want to defend myself. I want to fight back.

Because ultimately…..and this is where there are gaps in my humility…..I want to feel important…lovable…..worthy of respect. I suppose I’m humble enough that I don’t brag about it like I once did, but the seed of that desire is still present. Even if I don’t strut like a peacock, I secretly want others to notice how smart I am, or how kind, or how wise.

And when there is even a hint of criticism, I can go from zero to sixty almost immediately. It is a monumental struggle to keep from defending myself; from defending my importance, my honor, my worthiness.

And so, I think De Sales is right. My humility is not fully there yet. Because if I’m truly humble, I think it would mean that I’m content in knowing that God values me even if others criticize me. I would feel much less need to defend myself because I would find security in knowing that the Divine loves me unconditionally…..why do I need the praise or admiration of others too?

Dear reader….please note that I’m not writing this to criticize any of you. I mean, I don’t even think De Sales meant it as criticism. I would dare say that most of us have some level of defensiveness about us. When someone brings to light an area that we’re already ashamed of, it hurts. It feels like someone twisting the proverbial knife in our back….and we react.

It's normal. Common. Maybe even expected.

But maybe that's not the most important question.

The better question is, "Why does this particular criticism hurt so much?"

Because not every criticism lands the same.

Some comments roll right off our backs. Others stay with us for days. They replay in our minds while we're driving, lying in bed, or trying to pray. They get under our skin because they touch something that was already tender.

Maybe that's what De Sales was trying to tell us.

Maybe the swelling isn't the real problem.

Maybe it's simply revealing where the wound still is.

And if that's true.....then perhaps criticism, painful as it is, can become a strange kind of gift. Not because the criticism itself is good, and certainly not because the person delivering it always has good motives, but because it exposes the places where my heart is still looking to others for something that only God can give.

Perhaps those places are invitations.

Invitations to stop defending myself quite so fiercely.

Invitations to let God heal the places that still feel ashamed.

Invitations to believe, a little more deeply, that I am already fully known and fully loved.

Maybe that's what genuine humility looks like.

Not pretending the wound isn't there.....

But allowing God to heal it until, one day, the viper bites.....and there simply isn't much left to swell.