“A Heart Worth Breaking”

I can’t tell you how many times someone has said to me, “I have trust issues” or “I just don’t trust people.”

If I had a nickel for every time a client or friend told me some version of that, I would be independently wealthy (although a nickel ain’t what it used to be!).

Seriously, in most conversations I have with others about relationships, it inevitably ends with them leaning in (as if the walls had ears), and in a low whisper I can barely hear they say something like, “I’ve been hurt before…..and I won’t let that happen again.”

The amazing part of this is that every person whispers this as if they are the only ones who have ever experienced it. The irony is that everyone I work with says it…….and in a way that says they believe they’re the first.

I don’t reference that to make fun of anyone….or to pick at people. The truth is that I’ve said the same things…..probably in that very same whisper. 😊

There is something about our expectations of relationships that tells us that, if we have been hurt in love that it must be all wrong…..that we must be experiencing a worst-case scenario that should never happen.

And yet…..it happens all the time.

In fact, it is a common human experience. Relationships are risky. They hurt. Love means we open ourselves up to someone and because we are all fallible humans, we hurt one another…….always. The frequency and intensity may vary, but the reality is always there. Real relationships hurt.

I guess this is on my mind this morning because, yesterday, I stumbled upon the following quote from CS Lewis:

 “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

The truth of this quote is not new to me, but something about its depth grabbed me and wouldn’t let me go. Something about the way he says that if we love our hearts will be “wrung” connected to me viscerally. I could FEEL my heart wringing as I read it, because my heart has been wrung before. Hasn’t yours?

When the person you trusted betrays you with someone else.

When the one with whom you let your guard down chooses to cut you with their words.

When your beloved pet succumbs to death.

Lewis is so right……..if we love anything, we put ourselves at risk of a broken heart…..we are almost assured of it.

But Lewis, in his literary genius, reminds us that the alternative is no better.

Sure, we can choose not to love. We can close off our hearts…..put up walls that nobody can penetrate……and instead focus our energy on other things.

We can doggedly pursue success, climbing the ladder and pretending that it satisfies the ache in our souls.

We can throw ourselves into our hobbies; striving to beat every level in our favorite video game, searching the internet for our next collectible, pouring ourselves into our favorite sports team, or even traveling the world, as if those things offer us lasting connection and joy.

But the consequence of walling ourselves off like that is that doing so doesn’t soften our hearts; it doesn’t really protect them at all. It simply leads to their atrophy.

Isolated hearts are not hurt by relationships…..but they are hardened by the lack of them, and that is just as damaging, if not even more so.

Look, we were created for relationships. I really believe that.

From the very beginning where Adam walked in the cool of the Garden with God, to God’s declaration that “it is not good for man to be alone,” we are reminded that we desire to love and to be loved.

The driving question under every relationship is, “Will you be there for me?” because that is what we desire. We desperately want someone who will be there for us. A person who will love us unconditionally even though they see and know the worst of us. Our heart’s desire is that we can have “our person” and that they can have us......through thick and thin, good times and in bad, in joy and in suffering. That we walk this journey of life in loving relationship with others.

Have you ever read about someone on their death bed who, with their final breaths, laments the fact that they couldn’t beat that final level on “Call of Duty” or that they wish they had just one more day to collect that elusive stamp to add to their collection??

I haven’t, and I’ve been at the bedside of many who had reached the end of this life.

All of them have spoken of love and relationships.

If there were regrets, they were always relational; “I just wish I had more time with my kids” or “If only I had been a better husband to my bride.”

Sometimes, their thoughts go to spiritual relationship; “I love the Lord and am ready to see Him.”  Some have even said to me, “I’m just tired, and am ready to be with Jesus.”

Those who refuse to love simply live lives of loneliness and isolation. No amount of distraction can ease that. They don’t soften as they age but typically become increasingly hard-hearted and curmudgeonly.

But it doesn't have to end that way.

The older I get, the more convinced I become that we don't get to choose whether life will wound us. We only get to choose the kind of wounds we'll carry.

We can risk the pain of loving others, knowing that disappointment, betrayal, grief, and loss will eventually find us. Or we can spend our lives protecting ourselves so carefully that our hearts slowly become hard, distant, and incapable of receiving the very thing they were created for.

One path may leave us with scars.

The other leaves us with walls.

I'll take the scars.

Because scars tell the story of a heart that dared to love. They remind us that we opened ourselves to another human being, that we shared life together, and that the relationship mattered enough to leave its mark. Walls, on the other hand, tell a different story. They may keep pain out for a while, but they also keep love from getting in.

So if you've been hurt, you're not alone. Most of us have. But don't let yesterday's wounds convince you that tomorrow's relationships aren't worth the risk. Love courageously. Forgive graciously. Trust wisely. And when your heart gets wrung along the way, remember that it is still far better to have a tender heart that has known love than a protected heart that has forgotten how.

Because in the end, I don't believe the goal is to arrive at the finish line with an untouched heart.

I think the goal is to arrive with a heart that, despite every scar, still knows how to love.