The Paradox of Male Friendship

What do men need the most?

What is it that they’re looking for?

What is missing in the lives of many men?

These were some of the questions a good friend of mine asked of our men’s group at church.

Of course, the answers could be many: career success, a deeper walk with the Lord, a better marriage, more time for hobbies. Honestly, if we surveyed a thousand men, you would most likely get a plethora of responses.

But in this small survey, the prevailing answer was the same:  genuine friendship.

All those other things might have been part of the answers, but this one jumped to the front of the line.

And, honestly, it got me thinking……about the paradox that is male friendship. The paradox seems to be that the older men get, the less connected they are to their friends. And yet, this survey tells us this creates a void in their lives, something they know they want more of.

As I began to reflect on this, it dawned on me that it’s true for my life as well. I remember how important my friendships were in college and young adulthood. I protected those relationships like none other. I put in a lot of effort to make sure we were spending time together; sports, intramurals, road trips, going out to dinner, goofing around for no reason…..I poured into those relationships.

And it wasn’t difficult at all. In fact, I craved these connections…..longed for them when they weren’t around. This continued into my young adulthood where I turned to softball teams, service groups, men’s ministries, and social outings. But I confess, it became more of a challenge.

Over the years, I have tried to maintain this. Slowly, brick-and-mortar outings faded into texts, occasional phone calls, Facebook messages, and the “once-in-a-blue-moon” get together.

And as I sit here amidst this realization, I can feel the void it has left in my life. My heart is a little less full than it was when male bonding was a common focus.

I don’t think it’s just me.

I remember that one of the things that impacted my dad the most was when he was close to 80 years old and his friend group began to diminish due to illness and death. I remember conversations with him about how deeply affected he was by this; especially in the loss of men he had grown up around or had shared many memories with. The weight of those losses showed on him. He was not as buoyant, a little more subdued.

You hear tales of this void in former professional athletes. Almost always, when you hear a retired player interviewed they will point to the camaraderie in the locker room as the thing they miss the most about their playing days. The inside jokes, the daily grind, the road trips, and the moment-to-moment clubhouse experiences that added meaning to their lives.

Lately, I’ve been reading “Confessions” by St. Augustine, and he talks a lot about his dear friends, Alypius and Nebridius, and how devoted they were to one another.

I can even point to Scripture as an illustration of the importance of male friendship. We know that David and Jonathan loved each other deeply, that their bond was enriching to both throughout their lives….even through thick and thin.

And yet…..to the paradox……that as men grow older, they generally are less connected in their friendships.

This reality is so clear to me, and yet the mystery is why it happens so readily.

If genuine friendship is one of the things that men want…..need, even……..why is it that we allow it to drift from our lives?

Some of the reasons seem obvious. The focus on marriage and family demands the time and attention of men, and rightfully so. Just as a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife, so he must also, to a degree, leave his friendships and devote himself to his spouse. And, likewise, being a father that is committed to and present in the lives of his children takes time…..energy….focus.

A man also typically throws himself into his work. I know it’s a generalization but there is truth to the idea that men are wired to be “fixers” and that they often look to their work (for better or worse) to find at least part of their identity. That, too, takes quite a bit of time.

Perhaps men believe, as they age, that they need their friendships less than they once did. But if this is true, then why has men’s ministry seen such a renaissance over the past 30 years? Promise Keepers, Wild at Heart, and other ministries devoted to the hearts of men have thrived, and part of that has been because of the camaraderie those events and ministries promote.

I wonder, sometimes, about other potential reasons men lose sight of their need for male friendship.

Shame, maybe? The idea that we might wonder if we deserve to have something as desirable as intimate friendship with others. Or we think……if other men really knew me, they wouldn’t want to be friends. It’s enough to offer a firm handshake and a shallow joke about sports or the weather.

Independence, perhaps? I mean, we do live in a society that has taught men to “rub some dirt on it” and to “pick themselves up by their bootstraps.”  Maybe we ignore the need for connection because we somehow view it as a sign of weakness….an admission that we’re not as self-sufficient as we should be.

What about an exaggerated sense of responsibility? The thought is that if I take time for connection and friendship, I am somehow shirking my responsibility to my family or to my job.

And something that just kind of dawned of me as I ponder these things…..what if we have an Enemy that actively works to isolate us? What if Satan whispers messages of shame, or pride, or independence, or guilt? What if he strategically schemes to keep us from life-giving friendships that build us up and empower us to be better men?

When I step back from this issue and really try to look at it, I cannot find any good reasons that men should pull away from meaningful friendship as they age.

Connections fill our souls. Friendship is woven throughout Scripture and history. And if my friend’s little survey is any indication, something inside of us still knows that we need life-giving relationships with other men.

Maybe that is what I find so strange about all of this.

I don’t remember ever deciding that friendship was no longer important to me. I never made a conscious choice that I didn’t need other men in my life the way I once did. It just happened slowly. Life got busy. Responsibilities grew. People moved. Schedules became harder to coordinate. Phone calls became texts. Time together became something we would get around to eventually.

And eventually came less and less often.

Somewhere along the way, something I once protected became something I simply assumed would always be there.

But it wasn’t.

And now, when I look back at a life that was once filled with laughter, shared experiences, inside jokes, and deep friendship with other men, I realize that my life is just a little more sparse than it used to be.

And my heart is a little less full.

Maybe that is the part of the paradox I am only beginning to understand. We can slowly learn to live without something that, deep down, we never stopped needing.

And I wonder how many other men are doing the same thing.

Maybe more than we realize.

And that, my friends.....is a paradox.