“The Sacred Work of Grief”
I realized today that I am grieving and this surprised me.
See, I’ve always associated grief with the death of someone. But, although this certainly is something to grieve, I am coming to terms with the fact that grief is not limited to this. Certainly, we grieve the death of someone we held dear, but we can legitimately grieve other kinds of personal loss as well.
For instance, I still carry grief over the loss of every family dog we have ushered over that rainbow bridge. Those losses still weigh heavy on me, as I remember the memories of how those faithful companions nurtured and watched over our family.
Right now, I’m carry a different kind of grief; I’m grieving the “moving on” of several people who have been very important to me in my current position of service. Over the past months, multiple “partners in service” have felt that God was asking them to move on into other places and new seasons. There was no animosity, no anger, no lingering resentment. Just the sense that it was time to move on, heavy and important conversations, and then they were gone. There was no real fanfare, no confetti drop, or gold watch to commemorate the time we shared together. One day they were here and we were sharing together, and then next they weren’t. And life moves on.
But grief remembers.
And so, I’m here……still in the place we all were once……continuing in the work…..but carrying the realization that something has shifted. Nothing bad. Simply different, and I am pausing here to name that.
I’m also writing this piece because I know I’m not the only one living in the middle of grief. Someone reading this has lost someone; whether through death, or divorce, or distance…..someone or something has been lost. And so, I am not only writing because it helps me to sort through these things, but I write because I hope it helps you to do the same.
And I have some thoughts I want to offer to you today, those of you who have grieved or who are grieving, even as you read this:
First, grief is not something that can be avoided. Oh, we try to distract ourselves, so we don’t have to feel the heaviness that comes with grief. We throw ourselves into work, or escape into leisure. We clean the house, take a vacation, pour ourselves into our job…..but grief remains; lurking and waiting, because it doesn’t just go away. And so, I have discovered that the best way to handle grief is to walk straight through it. To embrace it. When it rears its head, take a minute and look right into its eyes. Press into the feelings, because when we try to bury them or push them away, they just apply internal pressure that builds up until it explodes into unhealthy coping or depression, or even physical illness. So, my first suggestion is to walk right into grief and embrace it.
Secondly, I want you to realize that there is something truly sacred about grief. It is holy. Important. Walking through grief is like walking on hallowed ground. Because grief means you are honoring the loss of something or someone especially important and as you embrace grief, you are honoring the memories that are sacred to your heart. I lost my father in 2006 and even now, so many years later, I feel the heavy importance of who he was to me. That is grief, but it is not something to be avoided but something to be cherished. In fact, grief connects to how we honor the memories of the most sacred parts of our personal histories. So, embrace grief. First, because you cannot truly avoid it but also because it is sacred.
Finally, I just want to tell you that I believe embracing grief and walking through it with reverence leads to tremendous personal growth. Allowing myself to embrace grief has led to a deepening of my heart….it has sharpened my ability to empathize with others in a meaningful way. I am a better person because of my grief, because facing it instead of avoiding it has allowed all those holy memories to become a part of who I am. They remind me that life is short, and so I must treasure every minute I have with those I love. They motivate me to express my love without reservation, knowing a day will come when I cannot do so. They drive me to treasure all the important moments in my present life and the ones that are ahead of me, knowing that every holy moment has a time limit.
I think we try to bury or escape grief because we fear the sadness will consume us, that if we embrace it, it will bury us in a sorrow we will never recover from. I have found the opposite to be true. Grief does connect us to sorrow, but that sorrow does not have to destroy us. Instead, it has the power to deepen us and to awaken a more sacred appreciation for the joys of life.
What I have learned is this: grief is not an enemy to be defeated, nor a weakness to overcome. It is the mark left by love, and it deserves our attention rather than our avoidance.
When we allow ourselves to grieve honestly, we honor what was good, even as we step into what comes next. That kind of grief does not diminish us. It deepens us. And in that deepening, I have found God already waiting.
