Take No Account

For a long time, I have been fascinated by how the ancients described walking with God.

How did they approach Him? What did they prioritize on that journey? What was it like for them?

In that quest, I have been reading “The Sayings of the Desert Fathers” that gives account of many of the monks who lived in the deserts and caves, the pillars and in the wilderness. What did they have to say about the spiritual life?

To be honest, much of what I’ve read has been less than inspiring. They were, of course, concerned about getting away from the world and living an ascetic life, and so much of the “sayings” are about fasting, escaping from humanity, working in poverty. None of that is wrong and I certainly see value in some of it, but many of the sayings of the monks seem to contradict themselves or are so abstract or confusing it’s been difficult to glean clear wisdom.

But there was a story told about Abba Macarius that really convinced me about how much we worry about what people think of us, and how fruitless that is.

The story is that a monk came to Abba Macarius and asked him to give him advice on how to be saved. Macarius told him to go to a local cemetery and to “abuse the dead” by throwing stones at them, yelling at them, etc. So….the monk did so and came back to Macarius. The elder monk asked him how the dead responded to his insults and abuse, to which the younger man affirmed that the corpses didn’t respond at all. Macarius then told him to go back to the same cemetery and to praise the dead…..and so the monk went back and complimented those who have died, praising them as saints and righteous men.”  When he reported back to Macarius, the wise man asked how the dead responded to the compliments and, of course, the younger man said they didn’t respond at all.

And then Macarius responded with what really grabbed my attention. He said, “You know how you insulted them and they did not reply, and how you praised them and they did not speak; so, you too if you wish to be saved must do the same and become a dead man. Like the dead, take no account of either the scorn of men or their praises, and you can be saved.”

Whoa.

In the midst of many strange and confusing stories and accounts, this one struck me as incredibly practical for us today. After all, how much time do we spend worrying about how others view us?

Do these people like me?

Do they think I’m stupid?

Am I coming across as awkward here?

 How can I impress them and get them to like me?

 If others criticize me, does that mean I’m not worthy?

 Why don’t I fit in?

What is she thinking about me?

How can I get his attention?

 What can I do right now that might please everyone?

I mean, these are just a few examples of the thoughts that often go through our minds as we try to make it in this cruel world. I mean, after all, getting along with people is one of the hardest things of all…and often the most cruel.

The truth is that people are not always safe.

Well, let’s name it for what it is….the majority of people don’t seem safe.

People bully us. They gossip about us behind our backs. They betray us.

Others can be cruel, controlling, and critical. I mean, who among us cannot trace our deepest wounds back to people?

And yet…..in spite of this recurring pattern, we still spend a lot of time and energy either looking for the praise of others or avoiding their criticism.

But why?

It’s truly an impossible game to play. There is no way to win. It is a hamster wheel that we cannot seem to get off of.

In our preoccupation with the opinions of others, we are overcome with anxiety, we sink into depression, we swing the pendulum the other way and become bitter or angry.

But none of it helps. At least, not for long.

For every kind word someone says on our behalf, there is someone whispering disparagement when we’re not around. For every decision we make that is praised and lauded, we do something that angers the masses. And just when we think we can trust someone and let our guard down, it seems like they turn on us.

I’m not trying to be overly depressing here…….this is just the reality of living with other people.

I can tell you this. In more than two decades of counseling others, almost every single one of them has told me they have problems trusting people.

Almost…..every…..single…..one.

And I believe them! Because being in relationship with people is always a risk. Always. Because we are all flawed. We are all prone to selfishness. As well-meaning as we are, we cannot consistently show selfless love, and so we hurt each other.

And so……don’t the words of Abba Macarius ring true?

“Take no account.”

In other words, stop obsessing about the reactions of others, because it is a never-ending roller-coaster ride.

I have learned over the years that some people are going to like you no matter what. Some people are going to dislike you no matter what….and for whatever reason. And then there are many in the middle who don’t think much about you at all.

And we tend to hyperfocus on all of them.

But why?

I mean, I don’t pretend to know all the answers. I do it too! But I ask again….why? Why do we try to play this game we can never win?

I’m not talking about being a distant, uncaring, sociopath who doesn’t care about anyone but themselves. That can’t be the answer either because we are called to love others. In fact, Jesus tells us that the 2nd greatest commandment is to love our neighbor as ourselves.

So…….we are called to love others selflessly…….and we shouldn’t become uncaring jerks.

Where does that leave us?

As I sit here writing, I realize I do not have all the answers, but I can tell you this……I can tell you what I took from this account about Abba Macarius.

The best answer I can give right now is to stop focusing so much on the reactions of others and, instead, focus on being the best person you can be…..and then be at peace.

For people of Christian faith, I would say the answer is to keep your focus on the Lord; on what He wants…….on WHO He wants you to be……and then keep your focus there, no matter how people react to you.

Realize that every time we look for the praise of others. Every time we allow criticism or negativity to lead us into anxiety or depression, we give a lot of power to those people. We are giving them the power to dictate how we view ourselves, and why would we do that?

Why would we give that kind of power to other flawed, wounded, people?

It’s not as if anyone out there has all their stuff together. There’s nobody out there that has it “all figured out” and yet we’re handing over our metaphorical report card to them and asking, “how am I doing?” “What grade would you give me?”

And how’s that working out for us?

It just triggers shame, rejection, abandonment, anxiety……or I guess it could lead to false arrogance or a sense of grandiosity. Usually, it’s just a thrill ride that takes us up the mountains and down into the valleys, tossing us around until we just want to get off the coaster and vomit.

You spend your whole life trying to read the room, trying to measure yourself against shifting opinions, trying to adjust just enough to be accepted and not rejected. But the room is always changing, and so are the people in it. What earns praise one day invites criticism the next. It is an exhausting way to live.

Maybe the invitation is simpler than we think.

To step off the stage. To stop performing for an audience that cannot be satisfied. To become steady in a different way. To take no account.

Not because people do not matter, but because they matter too much for us to turn them into judges of our worth. Their voices were never meant to define us.

There is a quieter place than that. A steadier place. A place where we can still love others deeply, but no longer need their approval to be at peace with who we are.