“Hugging a Time Bomb”

“Aaron, let me just tell you this. Nobody wants to hug a time bomb.”

I can still remember the words of this mentor, even twentyish years later.

He was talking about the difficulty of volatility and anger in relationships, and his words have resonated with me for all these years.

As a counselor, I am always looking for patterns. Honestly, I don’t know if this is because of my training or if God just wired me that way, but I am constantly trying to “connect the dots” with people……with myself even. I explore background and attachment styles like I’m one of the Hardy Boys or Sherlock Holmes or something.

Normally, this quest for “patternology” is contained to each individual that I’m working with. One of the reasons I love being a counselor is that when I work with someone, it’s like the two of us are collaborating to put together a 1,000-piece puzzle. This individualized journey is something I just love.

But lately…..well, I've noticed a pattern across sessions……across clients even.

Now, quick disclaimer. Before I dig into this, I want to acknowledge that this pattern I’ll be writing about could just as easily be written about women and the challenges they face with the men in their lives. I really want to make that clear because for this blog I will be writing about a pattern I’m seeing as I work with several of my male clients…..but, again, this pattern could go either way, and I believe that’s important to note.

The pattern is this….I have worked with multiple men lately and somehow we eventually get to the same challenge:

 How can they move TOWARDS their wives when emotions are elevated?

It’s been crazy how often this has come up in my work recently…..enough that it is worth writing about…..worth exploring. And I say, “exploring” because I don’t claim to know all the answers to this dilemma. I mean….not everyone is the same and I don’t want to pretend that’s the case, but there does seem to be……well, you guessed it…….a pattern where many of the guys I work with, when faced with the intensity of their wives’ emotions, instinctively want to withdraw….to escape…..to hide.

There are different ways of understanding what is happening here. From an EFT perspective, both partners may be reacting to a perceived threat to their connection, each protecting themselves in different ways. Gottman uses the term “flooding” to describe the physiological and emotional overwhelm that can happen when conflict becomes too intense. And that seems to describe what many of these guys experience. Their nervous system sounds the alarm, and everything in them wants to pull away.

In the words of my mentor, “Nobody wants to hug a time bomb.”

And that’s how it can feel in the moment……like they are faced with an explosive threat and their nervous system suddenly goes full Monty Python: “Run away!”

Why this happens is complicated. Biology, upbringing, fight-or-flight responses, attachment patterns and past experiences can all play a part. But whatever the reasons, when emotional intensity rises, a lot of guys feel an almost visceral urge to get out of Dodge.

Paradoxically, and the reason this has come up with so many of the guys I work with recently, is that the wives in question have told their husbands that this is precisely when they need them to move TOWARDS them the most.

Of course, it can be awfully hard to hear the plea for love underneath all that intensity when everything inside you is screaming, “DANGER, WILL ROBINSON!!” and metaphorically spinning in circles.

In reality, “fear” is often the underlying driver on both sides.

Is there anger? Yes.

Is there frustration? Absolutely.

But, often, what drives these volatile exchanges is the subconscious question that Sue Johnson (co-founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy) says is the foundation of every love relationship, “Will you be there for me?”

And if we believe our partner is pulling away or fear they’re NOT going to be there when we need them, we emotionally protest.

In the pattern I’m describing, the wives may protest through anger, which can feel much safer and less vulnerable than fear. They might express anger AT their husbands, or they might just be angry in general. But often it’s because they need to know their hubbys are there……that they are safe and secure…….that even in their worst moments, that their husbands will move towards them in love.

Ironically, this reaction often triggers the opposite in the guy. Because remember, he also is asking that question, “Will YOU be there for ME??” And when his beloved is getting loud and angry and he feels attacked, his own attachment fears respond. Sometimes, this leads to conflict…..but what I’m seeing lately is that it often leads to avoidance, a desire to escape.

So, just when she needs him the most, he feels the LEAST able to be there.

Sadly, they are both trying to answer the same questions, “Will my partner be there for me if I need them?” “Can I count on them?”

Of course, in the moment it feels to each one that the other is the enemy…..that they AREN’T showing up in a way that feels loving, and so this is where couples get into these patterns of self-protection and avoidance, rather than loving connection.

Sue Johnson would remind them that neither of them are the enemy….that the DANCE is. The “polka” they are doing……the pattern.

But that is much easier to identify while reading this blog than it is in those moments.

And so, the question I’ve been leaving with a lot of my guys is this,

“How can we move towards our wives when everything in us feels like running away?”

This is a difficult and sensitive question……because there is no easy answer and even admitting that it’s a real problem reminds us that we are not always as courageous as we would like to be. And make no mistake, it takes relational courage for either partner to move towards the other when emotions run high.

And yet…..the rewards of doing so can be life-altering.

What if we did move towards our partner when they were agitated?

What if we refused to retreat into self-protection and, instead, courageously took a step towards the other?

What if we internally rebuked our Sympathetic Nervous System, yelling, “Away from me, fight or flight!! This is the maiden I love, and I will not be dissuaded!”

Okay, we might not yell this…..but it would be pretty cool if we did.

I’m not truly making light of this very real situation. It is not easy to change our self-protective patterns. We learn those at an incredibly early age.

And yet…..what if we could become more aware of the “dance.”

Doesn’t it make sense that both anger and avoidance are driven by an underlying fear of rejection? Of that common and terrifying sense that we might be betrayed or abandoned; that we aren’t quite lovable?

If we can somehow remember that in the moment, we can choose to respond differently. We can learn to regulate our own attachment fears…..our own “fight or flight” reflexes. And we can make the decision to lovingly…….courageously……move towards the one we love.

It may not work perfectly every time. We may still be rebuffed at first. Feelings may still get hurt, and old patterns do not disappear simply because we finally recognize them.

But perhaps that is where relational courage begins. Not in becoming fearless, but in recognizing what our fear is telling us to do and choosing, sometimes, to do something different.

Because maybe the person standing in front of us isn't really a time bomb after all.

Maybe underneath the anger is someone asking a question.

Will you be there for me?

And maybe moving toward them is one way we begin to answer.